Five awesome men's cycling jackets that will totally ruin your life

Brrrrrrr! Can you feel it? It's getting cold up in this joint. And by 'this joint', I mean Britain. If you, like me, are male and can experience coldness, then you'll probably have been thinking about investing in a nice new cycling jacket for winter. To that end, I surveyed what's out there and wanted to report back my findings – but I must add that each of these jackets comes with a hefty warning. They may very well ruin your life. Just knowing about the existence of these five spectacularly awesome men's cycling jackets could drive you into a frenzy of distraction. Only the most sensitive souls, those desperately in need of a warm jacket, those typically reduced to a fit of shivering by the cold breeze in the chiller aisle of your local Tesco, should proceed further. 

Read on, if you think you're mard enough.

Tempest Bomber – Huez

This bright purple bomber jacket is just badass, isn’t it? Look at it, all purple and shizz. Look at the coquettish way it's winking at you as if to say, "Look, I know you don’t know if you’re cool enough to pull off a jacket like me, but you are. You are cool enough, Brian!”

But actually you’re not cool enough, Brian. This jacket is not for the likes of you. It’s not for the likes of any of us, because this jacket has no earthly business being worn by any mortal man. The words, “bright purple bomber jacket” have no right to appear in an article about cycling clothing. This jacket is a spook, a fugazi, an illusion, a figment from the dark mind of our Lord Ctulhu – and you would do well to forget about it immediately. 

Merino Membrane Jacket – Isadore

Have you ever wondered what sort of cycling jacket James Bond would wear? You know, when his knees get a bit too sore from all that wanky free running he does and the MI6 doctor tells him he has to take up a non-impact sport that won't exacerbate his tendinitis? No, you haven’t, but I have, and the answer is this jacket by Isadore. Even the brand sounds like the name of a James Bond film, where Isadore turns out to be the name of some shady network of super villains intent on world destruction using some incredibly specific bit of technology. Probably satellites. They haven't done a satellites one for ages.

Need more convincing? Well, it’s made of merino wool, Spanish for 'the wool of spies'; it has strategically-placed paddy bits on the shoulders, to fend off overhead blows from henchmen; a zippered pocket for all Bond’s gadgets; and it’s warm and waterproof for when Bond needs to cycle up to the baddies' secret base in the Chiltern Hills on a rainy November Tuesday. 

Harrington Rain Jacket – Vulpine

This is the definitive cycling jacket for cool dads. Dads who play Xbox with their kids, who eat quinoa, have thick lustrous beards with just a sprinkling of grey hair, and who work from home three days a week because they actually like doing the school run on their super-green cargo bike. The waitresses in your local cafe swoon when this dad drops in for a flat white.

Vulpine dads are not at all like your dad, with his high cholesterol and his vehement hatred of 80% of all TV presenters and his obsession with correctly stacking the dishwasher for optimum efficiency. Vulpine dads are the dads you wished were your dad. But they're not. 

Renton Jacket – Primal

You've seen more stylish cycling jackets, sure, and maybe some with more dazzling tech features, but have you ever seen a cycling jacket named after the protagonist of an iconic British film about heroin addicts? No, didn’t think so. 

What Primal is saying by calling this jacket the Renton – after Ewan McGregor’s character from Trainspotting – is, "Choose life. Choose a job, choose a career. Choose compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose a big fucking television and a nice jacket that’ll keep you warm and dry while you’re riding your bike.”

Want a reason to buy this jacket? Who needs reasons when you’ve got heroin?

Adventure Jacket – PedalEd

And here it is, they finally did it. Japanese brand, PedalEd has finally brought about the end of consumer capitalism by launching a garment that is simply too awesome for the perilously fragile world economy. 

If you thought all that sub-prime mortgage stuff in The Big Short, was bad, wait till you see the damage this jacket is going to do. Mark my words, the release of this jacket is going to lead to thousands of men defaulting on their personal loans (which they had to take out to purchase the jacket), because they're far too busy out riding their bikes and having all of the fun to worry about silly little things like jobs or mortgage repayments.

Honestly, Steve Carrell is going to shit a brick when he finds out about this one, lads.